What do you do when the person you fell in love with seems to no longer exist? No, he's not dead. But the essential things that made him different, made him special, and most pertinent, made you fall for him seem to have vanished into the years, leaving behind only whispers and ghosts of what used to be.
He says he's still the same, his feelings for me are still the same, but how can the be when the actions are so different?
I love him, but is it accurate to say that I love the person who is present in my life now, or am I in love with the person I met all those years ago? Sure, the guy who left here in a huff this morning, in such a hurry to get to his precious job has my devotion, my loyalty, my affection. But who has my heart?
I see glimpses of the man who I fell in love with. In promises made, in letters written, in half murmured endearments while he's drifting off to sleep. But only rarely do I see him in person, in waking hours, and even then, the moments are fleeting and unsatisfying.
The man I fell in love with. He was something. Handsome, but not especially aware of it. Charming, gentlemanly, affectionate. He gave me the only perfect kiss I've ever had in my life. It was our first kiss, and I relive that moment often, still getting the butterflies I got that night.
The guy I fell in love with, he took an incredible amount of pride in knowing that he could make me blush, from across a room with nothing more than a look. A smoldering gaze that cut through everything between. A look that spoke of so much more than a simple lust. It was a look that spoke of devotion, an look that made me feel sexy and protected and loved. Desired and valued and prized. God, how I miss that look. Not just the look though, but all the things it stood for and represented. I had a man, a real man. A man that would be there for me, NO MATTER WHAT. A man that would always protect me, love me, worry about my well being, emotionally, physically, psychologically.
I fell for a man who was big enough to say I'm sorry and mean it. A man that worried more about my hurt feelings than his own pride, and that was beautiful. Those were the things that made me head over heels for him. I was his, mind, body and soul, and I guess I would say I still am. Sounds pretty incredible right? That's because he is!
But where is he? Where has he gone? Is he a part of my permanent past? Can I hope for him to be a part of my present at some point, and plan for him to be my future? What if he never comes back? Is it fair to say the commitment I made to him applies to the impostor that sleeps in his place?
I know you're still in there, somewhere. And if I know you, you're like an animal trapped in a cage, furious at being denied freedom, yelling, screaming, clawing to be let out. You bury your best possible self, the version of you I fell in love with, behind childish excuses and immature claims that this is just who you are.
Well that, my love is bullshit! If this person, who walks all over my feelings, who seems to care about everything else in his life more than me, who seems to think I'm not worth any kind of effort on his part, if that was the real you, I simply could not be in love with you, and I am.
You told me this morning that the person who writes those messages to me is not part of my own personal fairy tale, and that he is reality. If that's true, you better find a way to make that more than just words you said to get me off your back. You used to be my Prince Charming, my Knight in Shining Armor and my best Lover, all rolled into one. Now, more often than not, you're the one causing me the most grief, and you're leaving miles of room for a new Prince to come in and sweep me off my feet.
Right now, I'm still completely yours, no question. But as I sit in my tower, looking out to the horizon, waiting for my dark haired, brown eyed prince to return to me, I know in my heart that if he doesn't come soon, the fire that I carry for him in my heart will fade, slowly burning out along with the hope that my man will come back to me. Every fairy tale with a Princess ends a certain way. I want you to be my Prince until ever after, but if you don't want the position, if you don't want my heart, my soul, my spirit, and my unquenchable, inexhaustible, undying love and devotion, well, you know what they say. One man's junk is another man's treasure.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Day I Learned I May Never Bear Children
If you've read my first two blog posts, you'll find them a little dark, a little sad. This is because I thought my boyfriend of 4 years was just being a jerk, not calling me all day, and ignoring my calls and texts for no reason. Turns out, the possibility that he was just being a jerk would have been worlds better than the reality.
He had a doctor's appointment today. It was supposed to be a 'meet and greet' being his first visit with our new family doctor who I'd had my 'meet and greet' with back in February. We thought it would be a good idea to have a family doctor since we are planning on getting engaged soon and having a family down the road.
The doctor decided he had time to squeeze him in for a full physical. Turns out, the chances of him ever fathering children is virtually non existent. Ironic right?
And there's even more irony to be had. For many years, I was sure that I didn't even want to have children. My boyfriend was the one who opened my mind and heart to that possibility. But even then, its was, if we do we do, and if we don't we don't. I would have been fine either way. But then, in the last year or so, I don't know, I guess my clock started ticking or something, but everytime I see a baby, on the bus, on TV, my bosses kids when I work at their home office, I've felt this tug at my heart. I've also put a lot of thought into what kind of parent I wanted to be, and what kind of Father my boyfriend would be.
Rationally, I know that this news isn't the end of the possibility of being parents. There's fertility clinics, artificial insemination, adoption. Its was just a hard blow being only 26 and 31. You never think when you're talking about your future together, 'Well, what are we going to do if one of us can't have kids?' I can't help but wonder, if we had considered that possibility before hand, would it have made the news easier to take? Its one of those questions you ask, knowing you'll never know the answer.
So now, all we can do is go on with our lives, be there for each other, and when the time comes, consider the other possibilities that could make us parents.
I know its not the end of the world, but its going to take some time to process, and I can't help but wonder if either of us will ever be completely at peace if we have to give up the hopes we shared of being Mom and Dad.
He had a doctor's appointment today. It was supposed to be a 'meet and greet' being his first visit with our new family doctor who I'd had my 'meet and greet' with back in February. We thought it would be a good idea to have a family doctor since we are planning on getting engaged soon and having a family down the road.
The doctor decided he had time to squeeze him in for a full physical. Turns out, the chances of him ever fathering children is virtually non existent. Ironic right?
And there's even more irony to be had. For many years, I was sure that I didn't even want to have children. My boyfriend was the one who opened my mind and heart to that possibility. But even then, its was, if we do we do, and if we don't we don't. I would have been fine either way. But then, in the last year or so, I don't know, I guess my clock started ticking or something, but everytime I see a baby, on the bus, on TV, my bosses kids when I work at their home office, I've felt this tug at my heart. I've also put a lot of thought into what kind of parent I wanted to be, and what kind of Father my boyfriend would be.
Rationally, I know that this news isn't the end of the possibility of being parents. There's fertility clinics, artificial insemination, adoption. Its was just a hard blow being only 26 and 31. You never think when you're talking about your future together, 'Well, what are we going to do if one of us can't have kids?' I can't help but wonder, if we had considered that possibility before hand, would it have made the news easier to take? Its one of those questions you ask, knowing you'll never know the answer.
So now, all we can do is go on with our lives, be there for each other, and when the time comes, consider the other possibilities that could make us parents.
I know its not the end of the world, but its going to take some time to process, and I can't help but wonder if either of us will ever be completely at peace if we have to give up the hopes we shared of being Mom and Dad.
Monday, April 4, 2011
The Fight
How do you know when fighting for something you care desperately about becomes harmful to yourself?
It probably seems like an odd question, but its been on my mind lately. I mean, there's that cliche that everything worth having needs to be fought for, but should you continue when you've fought so long and hard that there's no hilt left on your sword and every swing, every lunge, every parry causes your hand to slip off the relative safety of the handle so you cut yourself on the blade? How long can you continue fighting as the essence of who you are bleeds out onto the battle ground? Is it better to fight to the death for someone or something you believe in, or is it better to endure the loss of someone or something you love? You'll forever carry that emptiness, but is the point that you're alive?
Maybe when the person, or cause you're fighting for is always appreciative its worth wasting away until there's nothing left of you, until you're completely spent on the battle field. But what if its not? Or even more complicated, what if it is and no longer shows it?
Appreciation can be like a soothing balm. Even though there's no hilt on the sword you are using to wage your battle, appreciation can heal each cut in the last moments before you start to bleed. When the appreciation is gone though, you're just a lone knight out on a vast battlefield, fighting with all you have for the thing or person you hold most dear. Even a knight, shining armor and all needs solace, support and love. Without it, regardless of their hopes, dreams and intentions, they could be fighting a battle that they simply cannot hope to win.
It probably seems like an odd question, but its been on my mind lately. I mean, there's that cliche that everything worth having needs to be fought for, but should you continue when you've fought so long and hard that there's no hilt left on your sword and every swing, every lunge, every parry causes your hand to slip off the relative safety of the handle so you cut yourself on the blade? How long can you continue fighting as the essence of who you are bleeds out onto the battle ground? Is it better to fight to the death for someone or something you believe in, or is it better to endure the loss of someone or something you love? You'll forever carry that emptiness, but is the point that you're alive?
Maybe when the person, or cause you're fighting for is always appreciative its worth wasting away until there's nothing left of you, until you're completely spent on the battle field. But what if its not? Or even more complicated, what if it is and no longer shows it?
Appreciation can be like a soothing balm. Even though there's no hilt on the sword you are using to wage your battle, appreciation can heal each cut in the last moments before you start to bleed. When the appreciation is gone though, you're just a lone knight out on a vast battlefield, fighting with all you have for the thing or person you hold most dear. Even a knight, shining armor and all needs solace, support and love. Without it, regardless of their hopes, dreams and intentions, they could be fighting a battle that they simply cannot hope to win.
Mixed Signals
So, what do you do when your boyfriend of 4 years, the man who's supposed to be shopping for an engagement ring for you, who says he loves you is sending you completely mixed signals?
He says all the right things, but then when the time comes, isn't doing anything to back up those beautiful words. Words that make my heart race, and give me butterflies. Or worse yet, his actions are the opposite of what he's saying.
What's the deal when someone who says he loves you won't even kiss you? Disappears for hours and hours and won't answer your phone calls or return your BBMs? He keeps telling me he wants me to feel special, that I'm still special to him, and the words, I know the words are sincere. I see it in his eyes when he says it, I hear it in his tone, but the actions aren't there. Its like, its like having a beautiful vase, sitting, empty, always. Where's the substance that's supposed to go behind words in this relationship?
Do you have any idea what you're doing to me? You said yourself, 'I can sense that this is tearing you up inside'. Those were your words, unprompted, unaided. How can you know what you're doing to me with your coldness, with ignoring me, with refusing to talk to me and STILL DO IT!?!?
You're pushing me to a place where I don't want to go. A place that I don't know I can come back from. I feel horrible, emotionally, physically, all over, all the time.
If you love me, love me.
He says all the right things, but then when the time comes, isn't doing anything to back up those beautiful words. Words that make my heart race, and give me butterflies. Or worse yet, his actions are the opposite of what he's saying.
What's the deal when someone who says he loves you won't even kiss you? Disappears for hours and hours and won't answer your phone calls or return your BBMs? He keeps telling me he wants me to feel special, that I'm still special to him, and the words, I know the words are sincere. I see it in his eyes when he says it, I hear it in his tone, but the actions aren't there. Its like, its like having a beautiful vase, sitting, empty, always. Where's the substance that's supposed to go behind words in this relationship?
Do you have any idea what you're doing to me? You said yourself, 'I can sense that this is tearing you up inside'. Those were your words, unprompted, unaided. How can you know what you're doing to me with your coldness, with ignoring me, with refusing to talk to me and STILL DO IT!?!?
You're pushing me to a place where I don't want to go. A place that I don't know I can come back from. I feel horrible, emotionally, physically, all over, all the time.
If you love me, love me.
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