The Day I Learned I May Never Bear Children

If you've read my first two blog posts, you'll find them a little dark, a little sad. This is because I thought my boyfriend of 4 years was just being a jerk, not calling me all day, and ignoring my calls and texts for no reason. Turns out, the possibility that he was just being a jerk would have been worlds better than the reality.

He had a doctor's appointment today. It was supposed to be a 'meet and greet' being his first visit with our new family doctor who I'd had my 'meet and greet' with back in February. We thought it would be a good idea to have a family doctor since we are planning on getting engaged soon and having a family down the road.

The doctor decided he had time to squeeze him in for a full physical. Turns out, the chances of him ever fathering children is virtually non existent. Ironic right?

And there's even more irony to be had. For many years, I was sure that I didn't even want to have children. My boyfriend was the one who opened my mind and heart to that possibility. But even then, its was, if we do we do, and if we don't we don't. I would have been fine either way. But then, in the last year or so, I don't know, I guess my clock started ticking or something, but everytime I see a baby, on the bus, on TV, my bosses kids when I work at their home office, I've felt this tug at my heart. I've also put a lot of thought into what kind of parent I wanted to be, and what kind of Father my boyfriend would be.

Rationally, I know that this news isn't the end of the possibility of being parents. There's fertility clinics, artificial insemination, adoption. Its was just a hard blow being only 26 and 31. You never think when you're talking about your future together, 'Well, what are we going to do if one of us can't have kids?' I can't help but wonder, if we had considered that possibility before hand, would it have made the news easier to take? Its one of those questions you ask, knowing you'll never know the answer.

So now, all we can do is go on with our lives, be there for each other, and when the time comes, consider the other possibilities that could make us parents.

I know its not the end of the world, but its going to take some time to process, and I can't help but wonder if either of us will ever be completely at peace if we have to give up the hopes we shared of being Mom and Dad.